🤧
On this date five years ago I was photographing sunsets in Druids Heath.
Still properly crashed and nothing can fix it but waiting it out. I’d be bored if I had the wherewithal to be bored.
Caught an hour of warm sunshine in the garden today as the clouds raced by.
Total crash day with additional lurgy. Utter write-off. Can’t focus, can’t deal with the most minor of problems, just watching telly and grazing the internet. Saw this coming of course - I’ve been dealing with this boom-bust chronic fatigue for a while now - but it’s still dispiriting. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Apparently I listened to the Empires: Gaza podcast last night but tbh I can’t remember anything about it.
Clouds from a couple of weeks ago. Definitely not from today. Today’s clouds were much less pretty.
Successful rest day. Managed to do nothing and think about very little. Not that I had much choice. Engine fully out of gas.
A scene in the Loaf bakery today.
Managed my two things today and while I don’t feel amazing, I also don’t feel like warm poo, and that’s a big achievement. Jigsaws really work for me as a grounding tool, letting the crazy brain buzz do its thing while I put pieces in the right places. So before and after each thing I do a jigsaw puzzle. Hey, whatever works works, right?
Thing one was my hour at work for this week where I’m taking photos. We don’t have any decent recent pics and it’s starting to show, so my task for the next month is to pop in when I feel able and get a decent spread. I haven’t done this sort of work for quite a while but it’s like riding a bike. A bit wobbly but one I get going it’s fine.
Thing two was my weekly therapy session which went well though at the end my brain started seizing up. Time for another jigsaw.
Turns out the composting process makes for a good jigsaw puzzle.
Achieved two whole objectives today. Had a phone call about some composting training for the RSPB later in the year which I managed to keep on time and on topic, and I went out to the pharmacy on my scooter to get my prescriptions refilled. In-between I did online jigsaws and listened to calming classical music, because tomorrow I also have two things on the agenda and need to pace myself. So far, so good.
I’ve found the “upload your own photos” function on the jigsaw website and have been doing so. Here’s my profile. It occurred to me I’d been thinking about my tens of thousands of photos from and how I might engage with them, and this turns out to be a really nice way of spending half an hour or so actively looking a one of them. Even if it is of food waste on a compost heap.
It’s officially autumn, or as the rabbits call it, crunchy crisps season.
Final group session from the chronic fatigue centre today. One of those moments where you don’t think you’ve gotten much from it, and then you realise you actually might have, which is good. Was asked to set goals for the future and alongside gradually building up to 8 hours a week at work (which seems impossible at the moment) I said I’d like to be able to write usefully again. I gave myself two years to get to that point.
I’ve had these open in my browser for too long. Haven’t necessarily read or digested them but a quick skim implies they’re worth sharing. Click at your own risk. (I may do this regularly from now on, maybe at the end of each month?)
Forgot to take a photo so here’s my dinner.
Rest day again as I have things in my diary for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and I’d rather not crash too hard. Brain still fizzing with a mild headache but I found a cure! Online jigsaw puzzles. About 140 pieces works well on my laptop screen and I can do them in about half an hour. Did a couple this afternoon and felt great.
Walter “Wally” Bunjamin strikes a defensive pose.
Slept right through the night, which was good, but woke with a headache which hasn’t gone away today. Payback for too much excitement yesterday, no doubt. So have been mostly doing nuffin, helped by it being the first proper rainy day of the autumn.
Pic by Fiona of the demo today. On the left you’ll see a guy talking to two men in high-viz jackets who are filming him for far-right social media bullshit.
Didn’t sleep too well and was up relatively early for a “people who actually live in Stirchley against the arseholes who are coming here putting up flags in a fascist way” demo. I trundled over on my new mobility scooter and stayed for about half an hour, my intention being to just be a number rather than get involved in anything. It was an interesting occasion. About 150 of “us” against a handful of “them”, kept in check by some police. Lots of music and sign making and general good humour with the flag wankers in one corner engaging in bad-faith “dialogue” and filming on their phones, waiting for someone to lose it. It’s very clear what the tactics are – get good content to edit for culture war outrage clicks. Hopefully I’ll have some energy to write something more about what they’re actually up to as it’s sort of new, and has nothing to do with flags or Stirchley. We’re just content fodder. It’s meme warfare. I’ve read a lot about this sort of thing but I never thought I’d see it on my streets.
As a side-note I saw a number of friends today for the first time in over a year and it was nice. Thanks to my battery-powered wheels I feel like I’m getting into the world again.
The rest of the day was a daze – the novelty of being exhausted from sleep deprivation rather than chronic fatigue, yet being too wired to nap, led to some interesting symptoms. Tomorrow is going to be interesting…
Mostly a rest day, but I did go on an adventure to Balsall Heath, a few miles away, to see an exhibition at the MIAH gallery which Fi has a piece of work in. She drove, as I’m not really capable of driving right now, we used my disabled parking badge to get as close as possible, and the gallery was nice and empty, unlike during the launch. Was nice to get out of my square mile for a change.
Speaking of my neighbourhood, the flag wankers have been targeting Stirchley for the last few weeks leading to some fractious interactions with locals who really don’t want their fascist nonsense around here. It’s generating a lot of thoughts and feelings and none of them are particularly welcome in my head. I did not have “the location of this era’s Battle of Cable Street could be my doorstep” on my 2025 bingo card. I sincerely hope it doesn’t come to that, but the police and politicians are being shockingly derelict in their duties to protect us, and locals are starting to organise.
It’s definitely fungus season.
A relatively loaded day where I’ve done two things – a meeting at work to figure out my new role there and a session with my therapist. Usually I’d space these out with a day in-between, but fuck it, let’s see how it goes! If nothing else it’ll be a data point. This evening I’m feeling a bit tired & wired with some tinnitus, but not too bad really. Tomorrow will be the tell.
It’s been a year since I picked up the proper camera again and started taking what I sarcastically call Mindfulness Photos. I mostly stopped this summer but should really start again.
Today was a planned rest day so not doing much at all except resting my body and trying to rest my brain.
Hüsker Dü: Jan. 30, First Ave Pt.3 (Apple | Spotify)
This weekend we will be demolishing this shed. I suspect it’ll just need a small nudge.
Penultimate group session from the Birmingham hospital’s chronic fatigue service this morning. This is an online meet with a bunch of chronically exhausted people at 10:30am so it’s not the most sparky thing but the occupational therapist does a good job. Today was about the recovery process, though there isn’t really a recovery from chronic fatigue, more reaching an acceptance and making adjustments to the new reality which hopefully enables some small improvements. And yes, there’s grief work, though I think I’m between stage 5 (Loss of self and confusion) and stage 6 (Re-evaluation of life, roles and goals) so not too far to go to acceptance.
After my post-session nap I didn’t feel too shattered and was able to have my sister and niece visit for a bit. Tomorrow is still being kept clear for a crash though. Might not happen but best be safe.
While counting coins at work I remembered I’ll be needing a photo for today’s post.
Second week back at work began today after my year off with chronic fatigue. Last week I did an hour on Monday which contributed to the massive crash later in the week, so had some anticipation going in. Did about 20 minutes of cash counting and had a quick chat about popping in again later in the week to talk about what my new role might look like.
A delightful forest of fungus in the compost heap today.
I think today counts as “recovered”? Much better mood, for starters, and felt the urge to get out of the house, so off to the allotment to drop off the rabbits' shitty hay sacks. Allotment trips these days involve me doing about 10 minutes of topping up the compost heap and then collapsing in a plastic chair to watch Fi do stuff for an hour. But it was good to be outside with the trees and the big sky.
Lav looking over Wally’s ginger butt.
Rough night ending with an exhausting stress dream (like a nightmare but more annoying) so wasn’t expecting much from today. Things improved slowly through the day and I felt able to do my therapy homework (see below) which felt good. I think I finally have a sense of what “masking” actually is now.
Very low batteries today. Able to potter and do small things but quickly out of energy, so lots of time recovering on the sofa. Mood a bit better though, and improving through the evening. Fi brought back a load of spicy noodles - great for treating my sinus headaches.
Origin Story: Karl Marx the Fighter
Thrive in obscurity - “The path to creative mastery begins with years of silence.”
Thoughts on Scotland - friends of mine are cycling around Europe. This is proper old-school blogging and I’m delighted to see it.
George Orwell’s 1940 Review of Mein Kampf - “Whereas Socialism, and even capitalism in a more grudging way, have said to people ‘I offer you a good time,’ Hitler has said to them ‘I offer you struggle, danger and death,’ and as a result a whole nation flings itself at his feet.”
Honest Government Ad | Visit New Zealand!
Twin Intake Hydroelectric System Part 4 Powering Up For The First Time
I’m trying something new to get me posting more regularly - a daily-ish status update with minimal commentary. Let’s see how long this lasts!
Microworker-commissioned palm trees from Sites of Collapse
Grumpy mood. Probably a crash after a couple of days of activity. Went outside briefly but no joy. Waiting it out.
Britain’s Fascist Thread - three part BBC doc on a century of far right activity in the UK. Distressingly essential listening.
In Our Time: Angkor Wat - I know so little about Cambodia…
The Smell of Earth - Cass Marketos on the good compost smells.
Sites of Collapse - Ilan Manouach on the “desert island cartoon” which reached its peak in the 1950s as the US workforce was transitioning from the factory to the office.
Was there a connection between the fantasy of being marooned on a desert island and the hyper-optimization of the modern office? After all, the office cubicle and the desert island shared an uncanny spatial logic.
LISTERS: A Glimpse Into Extreme Birdwatching
The Bizarre Bases of Antenna Towers
It’s gourd season, and occasionally nice afternoon light season. Quite pleased with this photo…
If Books Could Kill on Dale Carnegie.
One of my go-to podcasts for entertaining insomnia brain food, they tackle exploitative easy-answer self-help books and this episode is the ur-text that started it all - How To Win Friends and Influence People. What struck me was how Carnegie comes over as an undiagnosed autistic who has figured out how to interact with normies and is selling that skill to businessfolk.
People who struggle with dealing with people will often get good at studying how social interactions work, mapping them out and developing strategies to survive (and occasionally thrive) in them. I’ve definitely done this, and have occasionally been paid cashmoney to point out the bleeding obvious to people who haven’t needed to think about it before and are shit at context switching. Early social media, for example, was quite lucrative for folks like me, at least until the straights figured it out and weaponised it for marketing. But that’s another story.
Point is, if anyone says there weren’t all these neuro-whatsit autistic people in the old days, Dale Carnegie was totally on the spectrum in the 1930s.
I’m the fucking best at Stackdown until suddenly I’m really not. (Yesterday’s results - no spoilers)
Couple of musical acts I’ve enjoyed to the point of wanting to find out more about them.
Branwen (via Dream Time)
Gouge Away (via Nick)
Was convinced for a short while that Addicted to Love was a ZZ Top song, but I think it’s excusable. Sharp Dressed Man could totally be by Robert Palmer.
ZZ Top have been on my mind as I’ve spent days wondering if they’re a novelty act or not.
