A daily posting on living with chronic fatigue, thinking about stuff and finding interesting things on the internet.
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Based on previous naturecam footage I’m saying we have cats, a fox and maybe a squirrel here?
Frosty rectangle in found in garden.
A down day today. Woke feeling a bit depressed so went back to sleep. Optimism levels are low. Eased off over the day (I’m always better in the evenings) but the reality of this being a long haul to no certain recovery is sometimes hard to avoid.
Lav is still nonplussed about the snow but Wally is out and about in it. He was hanging around me much more than usual though. It was almost like having a dog for a while there.
Did an hour of work for Loaf today, getting the online shop ready for the new year - hopefully for the last time as a the jury-rigged Wordpress mess I oversaw will be replaced by something else in the spring. It might be equally jury-rigged (e-commerce is not optimised for baked goods, I find) but it won’t be my mess anymore. Felt a bit deflated afterwards and had a good chat with Fi about stuff which helped.
I have my rearranged appointment with the chronic fatigue therapist in a fortnight which couldn’t come sooner really. I have a lot of questions about how this all plays out.
Moss has a snow cap.
Much sleeping, let the rabbits out in the snow (they weren’t impressed), great-nephew M came over for a bit, powered up the old infra-red camera to diagnose cold spots in the house, hopefully entered the end game of 45 groups of 45, screwed the legs onto Fiona’s new desk, which she’s very happy with.
Fi sanding in the shed.
Around a decade ago I decided to learn how to do woodwork adequately. I’d never really got beyond hammering two bits of wood together and, having dabbled in making camera obscuras, realised this was something I wanted to know more about. I did a short course at an adult education place and when we decided the rabbits needed a shed we doubled the size so I could have a small workshop at the bottom of the garden, followed by the inevitable accumulation of tools and “useful” pieces of wood.
My woodwork skills became adequate and I can construct things that hold together, even occasionally getting paid to do so. I enjoyed pootling in the shed, making things with my hands that existed in the world. I mildly resented not being encouraged to learn such things as a youth but was keen to make up for lost time.
And then I got ill. I still potter in the shed a bit and power tools help a lot but, like with everything, my capacity has dramatically reduced. I take heart from all the old blokes you see still working with wood in their sheds but shifting down to that level has been tricky. I just want to get stuck in and realise the things in my head, and I just can’t anymore.
Last week Fi got a new desktop from the street group chat. While it’s the perfect size for her office it turned out to be three scaffolding planks fixed together. Nice and chunky but with a warped surface. Since she’s going to be typing and writing on this she needs it to be flat.
Simple! I have a nice hefty floor sander (I usually use it upside down as a mini belt sander) and running that over it for a while should get everything nice and even. So we cary the planks to the shed and I have a quick go. Nope, I can’t do more than five minutes of this. So I show Fi how to do it. Usually I’m pretty good at teaching, but I’m already a bit tired so I struggle not to get impatient. Thankfully she gets the hang of it and I give her space and it all works out. She has a fairly flat desk now, at least in the areas that matter. We can do the rest later if necessary.
As I’m sitting in the garden watching Fi work I’m trying not to feel too sad about this situation. It was around the time I first got Covid that my woodworking confidence turned a corner and the window in which I was able to put it into practice, as the Long Covid turned into Chronic Fatigue, was distressingly small.
Last year saw me doing “grief work” for the stuff I suddenly found myself unable to do, and starting to figure out what it is that I can do now – what’s left and what’s new. It’s taking a very long time though and moments like today remind me that it’s really barely begun.
I wonder if I should just get rid of all the tools and call it quits. That might be easier than trying to figure out what I can and can’t do with them. But if I do that with everything what would I have left?
V makes sushi on her 21st.
Still feeling fragile but was determined to make it to my niece’s 21st for sushi and dumplings which she was making with my sis and bro-in-law. A nice time but I’m wiped now, of course. Le Sigh.
The younger great-nephew didn’t want the box his gift came in. Wally is more than happy to check it out. Lav will destroy it later.
Bit bored of saying how tired I am so here’s my top 16 films I watched in 2025.
All of the above I rated five stars. I watched a total of 77 films this year (so far - might watch one tonight or tomorrow) and they break down like this:
16 at ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ - Best thing ever. Would rewatch and highly recommend.
36 at ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️☆ - Very good and a satisfying watch.
23 at ⭐️⭐️⭐️☆☆ - Adequate entertainment. Enjoyed it for what it was.
2 at ⭐️⭐️☆☆☆ - Don’t exactly regret watching but probably wouldn’t recommend.
0 at ⭐️☆☆☆☆ - Bobbins. Avoid.
The lowest rating is a bit misleading as anything that poor didn’t make it past 15 minutes as so wasn’t actually “watched”. But I’m fairly happy with the distribution. Watched a lot of things, most were good.
From the four star list, a few that I’d like to draw attention to:
Something I’d like to change going forward is to dig a bit deeper into the archive and augment my bias towards new releases. Not just filling in gaps, particularly in continental European cinema, but to also revisit favourite films I’ve not seen since I was a young’un and see if they stand up to my wizened eyes.
If nothing interesting happens tomorrow I’ll tell you all about the telly I watched this year. Fingers crossed, eh?
The bastard squirrels love the geodome when the summer shade is off.
Bit groggy today. Mood is fine but having moments of mental fogginess. Otherwise OK. Went to bed feeling itchy, like a heat stroke, but not really. Woke at 4am soaked in sweat, then slept like a baby. Sort of like I’d popped, like a fungus releasing its spores, except it was heat. Or something close to that, maybe.
That old line “they should have sent a poet” should be used for chronic fatigue symptoms. Not that I’d wish this on a poet (and I really can’t be doing with poets, truth be told).
Four-and-twenty-odd magpies having a proper to-do in the big tree today. Dive bombing each other and squawking like the genetic future of their species depended on it.
Recovery day 3. Feeling mostly OK but very aware that I’m on thin ice and any exertion can tip me over. Started a conversation with Fi this afternoon that quickly got too interesting and had to shut it down as my head started ringing which has continued into the evening. That’s probably what I hate most about this flavour of chronic fatigue, the limited capacity to engage intellectually with other people.
Being sofa-bound I was resenting the paucity of good reads on the internet this time of year, but I already have a backlog of tabs open from the last few days. Maybe tomorrow!
Trying to get a nice picture of the buns during the banana frenzy. Got this instead.
Recovery day 2. Funny thing about betwixtmas, it lends itself to chronic fatigue recovery days. Despite what I tell myself I still have a lingering guilt about my enforced rests, but not this week cos everybody’s at it. (For some value of “everybody” - I’ve done my time in the retail trenches.)
Another tree from yesterday’s walk. Wife and sister are beneath it.
Recovery day today. Slept for ages and had a grumpy headache, though it had mostly passed by evening. Trying to go easy on the brain and let it ride itself out. Yes, I did a bit too much these last couple of days, but I went in with open eyes and have no regrets.
Had the seasonal peanut butter and fruit cake sandwich for breakfast. It’s as good as it was last year.
Watched the new Benoit Blanc which was good. Maybe not 5* good but perhaps it’ll grow on me as I ponder it. Some good laughs with some big thinks about storytelling, which I definitely have an interest in. I shall be working through this long piece once my head is properly ready for it.
Trees from today’s walk along the river.
Fi got me a crochet starter pack (some wool and a hook) so I guess I’m at the stage where crochet happens. Checked out the basic beginners video and it looks fairly achievable.
I got her a Jonathan Edwards print which looks gorgeous in the flesh.
Went for a walk along the river (well, I was on my scooter) with sister.
Had a very nice meal with Fi.
Then sister and niece came over for pudding and I retired to write this up. That’s enough Christmas for one year.
Creepy Santa on great-neph’s windowsill wishes you a merry eve.
Christmas Eve happened. Went to visit Fi’s family south of Birmingham for an hour, which was nice. Then I had a nap while she went to the Bournville carols-on-the-green, returning with a couple of chill friends for dinner. Probably reached my limit of activity and we’ll see how it affects tomorrow, but tomorrow is traditionally a do-very-little day for us, so it’s all good.
Five goldfinches singing in the gloom this afternoon.
I somehow managed to marry a person who cannot stand dried fruit in any form, including fruit cake, mince pies and Xmas pudding. Yes, I know. It’s fucked up. And so around this time of year, because I don’t do the meal planning (for both our benefits), I have to make a concerted effort to get my black gold deserts in, and then remember to eat them.
A little microwavable pudding from Aldi has been lurking in the cupboard for a couple of years, maybe longer, with an expiry of January 2026. And while it would probably be good for a while after that I was determined to see it eaten this season.
Tonight I ate it. It was glorious.
One thing about rabbits is they LOVE banana. If you ever need to get a rabbit to come to you, eat a banana.
Cruising gently towards Christmas day. Got a couple of short family things scheduled so I want to be ready for them.
Sister popped over today for a catch up. She’d been in New Zealand for my niece’s graduation and was just getting over the jetlag. I’d asked for some merch from the university because she was at the Auckland University of Technology, which acronyms to AUT, so it doubles as autism pride merch. I now have a keyring and a weird mug (they were out of caps). Happy Pete.
Didn’t get any photos today so here’s a tree I photographed in December 2006, 20 years ago.
Said goodbye to a good friend who is leaving Stirchley. She isn’t moving too far and may return, but it’s still a sad day when a member of your little community departs.
I realised I never used to feel like this because I never stayed in one place for more than a 2-3 years. But since I shacked up with Fi fifteen years ago I’ve grown to appreciate what it means to have a geographically based community. It’s nice.
My local park, yesterday.
Rough night and subsequent morning with disturbed sleep and weird dreams but it must have worked through some subconscious shit because I’m not feeling so bad today. Tired, sure, but not grumpy.
Fi came back from Moselele’s Xmas gig with fish and chips so we stuck on a movie and declared it date night.
In other exciting news I knocked over a hot cup of tea which splashed on my foot. Got my sock off before it did any serious damage. Phew.
You know you were once a data artist when you look at your blog stats and wonder what they would sound like. Bloop, bleep.
Treeline along the River Rea
Better day. Made it out on my scooter to the pharmacy and popped into work to see everyone. But that was about it. Reflected on yesterday’s musings (with some nice feedback from a fellow CFS sufferer) and feel better about things.
Also I used the word “promulgate” in a group chat. Always a good day when that happens.
Hanging with my buns in the shed, waiting for the rain to stop. (It didn’t stop.)
This has been the sixth day in a row of me feeling unable to do much, if anything. According to the pattern of “my condition” I should have been capable of stuff yesterday or today, but I’m not. It’s a good reminder that there isn’t really a pattern to chronic fatigue. Sometimes recovery will be quick, sometimes it won’t. This one seems to be on the slow side. Today’s big achievements were loading the dishwasher and putting away my laundry. Oh, and not needing an afternoon nap.
It’s very easy for this to feel like a failure. I’ve definitely gotten better at managing my capacity and my expectations over the last six months, and thanks to some good therapy I’m less likely to get angry and upset when things don’t go as I’d hoped. But the fact remains this autumn was going to see me engaging with the world again and it doesn’t look like much on paper.
I’ve managed about an hour a week on average at work and probably go out of the house/garden twice a week. I’m writing this blog, which is a major achievement in rethinking my writing practice, pacing it over the day instead of cramming in one session, but I haven’t written anything more substantial than a few paragraphs.
It’s a proper glass half empty / half full paradox, I guess. I have made progress, but I also haven’t hit the marks I was kinda hoping I might. Which just means the marks weren’t achievable and need to be adjusted, I guess. Known unknowns.
Really wish the NHS chronic fatigue centre had more capacity and hadn’t been overrun with flu. I could really do with a chat with the occupational therapist there. Fingers crossed for an appointment soon after Christmas.
In the meanwhile farting this out to the handful of you lovely people reading this will have to do.
🎼 Pigeons in flight 🎶. Circling around our neighbour’s garden waiting for her to put out their food.
I checked my bank statement this week and saw a £10 payment from Department of Work and Pensions. I wasn’t expecting this. Turns out this is my Christmas bonus from the government as part of my PIP eligibility, which I attained earlier this year for how the chronic fatigue has disabled me.
I’m kinda fascinated by this. We live in an era when the headlines are dominated by the welfare bill with benefits under threat from all comers, yet this has presumably been going on for quite some time under the radar. Maybe it’s not worth cutting as it’s such a small amount? Or maybe the optics of cutting a “Christmas bonus” are too much even for this zeitgeist.
I’m going to assume it’s never gone up because inflation would not allow it to remain a nice whole number. When was it introduced? How much would it be worth in real terms today? And will it ever go up?
(And because I can’t resist answering questions, it was introduced in 1972 (it’s that year again!) and has never gone up. It should be worth £119.12 adjusted for inflation, it costs the state £185m and there are no plans to increase it.)
Haven’t posted a picture of a rabbit for a while so here’s Wally, keeping an eye and ear on the bastard squirrels.
Much better today. No tinnitus or grumpiness though I’m proceeding with caution, banking the batteries for seeing a few people later in the week. And of course next week for which I would rather prefer not to be grumpy, for Fiona’s sake if nothing else.
We put the tree up today. Is nine days early or late? Whatever, it’s better than last year when it went up on Xmas eve. Decorating was a bit of a low priority in-amongst all the CFS shit. Having accumulated a couple of families' worth of decorations going back six or more decades our trees lurch from classy to tacky depending on the mood. This year it’s more classy, I think, though if you look closely there’s some proper tat in there too.
Can’t get a satisfactory photo though so hopefully the awful frame will distract you from that.
Yesterday’s later afternoon sky in the park. (Definitely not today’s. Today was shite weather all day.)
Feeling pretty grumpy today, so trying to just ride it out and hope for a better tomorrow.
The charcoal we accidentally made during our bonfire.
Relatively quiet day, feeling the need to retreat somewhat, which is no bad thing. I’ll save my reading for tomorrow.
Did make it out to the allotment for a bit of fresh air. Took the mobility scooter off-road for the first time, which was a small adventure as it’s definitely not designed for that. It made it up the hill eventually, which opens up a whole new gradient for me to explore.
Wanted to see how much charcoal was left after the bonfire the other week. My sister had dug a pit so we could try this method but we never got around to it, so we just piled everything on the pit and had a normal fire. But of course the pit still did its thing and because we doused the fire a decent amount of charcoal was left behind.
In short, the wood in the pit will get hot enough to carbonise but no oxygen can make it through the fire above it, so the carbon doesn’t burn to ash. It’s so simple you can even do it by sheer accident.
And so we have a hefty bucket of charcoal now to make biochar with. Permaculture win!
Some more trees from yesterday in the park.
A rest day, mostly pottering around doing small chores and online jigsaws.
Overheard a visitor, who like most sane people is ignorant of corporate tech shenanigans, describe the new iPhone operating system as something they were tricked into upgrading to, horrible to use, and reminding them of when novice users go overboard with Powerpoint effects and transitions. I can’t think of a more damning criticism than to be compared to Powerpoint…
I’m still on the one before the liquid glass nonsense (who knows what number it is) and will remain so.